first.

when you look into my eyes
you should know that i love you.
the windows to my soul are wide open
can't you feel the breeze gently caressing
that dip where jaw line unites with ear?
i profess odes to you in
blinking morse code and
winks that settle on the edges of your periphery
my eyes are never quiet
they set free all the secrets that my lips keep in captivity
i can't stand to look at you because
the sight of you is my undoing
promise-filled teardrops spill from my eyes and
your hands are not there to cushion the impact of their falling
i look down to protect myself
the adoration in my gaze is not reflected in your eyes
i am not sure what it is i see but
it does not look like home.

i am struggling to close eyes that are
filled to the brim and overflowing with love

for you.

Coffee- part 1

This is old but I'm currently working on part two, so I decided to post part one.

You sit there, consumed in your thoughts. You always sit in that chair, the one closest to the window. It's like you want to be ready to escape at any moment. I always see you sitting there and I want to say something, but I never do. I’m scared that if I say something I’ll disrupt that perfect calm you’ve created and you'll fly out of that window.

Every day as I wait in line for my coffee I glance at you. I memorize the curve of your spine as you sit, hunched over whatever book you're reading, your hands pulling your hair back to keep your locs off of the precious pages.

I always keep a single black band around my wrist. Not for my hair, but for yours. I wonder why you never wear a headband; you just hold your hair back with your hands.

If I were you I wouldn't wear a headband either. I'd always want to feel that hair.

You are black. Your eyes and teeth are stars on a dark chocolate sky. I take a quick look at you, then let my eyes drop back down into my cup. I look deep into the dark liquid.

I’m trying to see if my coffee is the same color as you.

Each day before I walk out of the house I take one last look in my full length mirror and say:

"Today is the day." Today is the day when I'll say hello. Today is that day that I’ll offer you the rubber band around my wrist. Today is the day when I'll get close enough to you to see if you match my mocha cappuccino.

I walk into the coffee shop. There you are, right by the window, reclining in that same chair, eyes closed, locs spilling over your cheeks and down past your shoulders, headphones on, cassete player in hand, tapes spread all over your lap.

You are beautiful.

I look at my wrist, making sure the band is still there. It is. I walk up to the counter and order my usual. As I wait I twist the black band around my wrist. The cashier gives me my coffee and I turn to leave, head down, eyes drowning in my cup. I walk, trying to hurry and leave because I don't know what to say to you. I am mad at myself once again for not having the courage to speak. I’m almost at the door when

Everything is in slow motion. I hear tapes clatter onto the tile floor. I feel coffee spill on my coat. I see two pairs of brown hands, grabbing at tapes as they hit the floor. I hear voices, first emitting curses then frantically whispering apologies. I feel hands wiping my coat.

There is one more tape on the floor. I pick it up and place it in those brown hands. Then, I look up.

You look back at me. You open your mouth and words spill out like the coffee that stained my coat.

"I'mreallysorryforbumpingintoyou. I'm Siam by the way."

But I’m already out the door.

Part two comign soon.

An Ode To My First Love

I can't stop thinking about her I

See her in my dreams and

Lately every night she's been

Waking me out of my sleep

Begging baby please

Just one kiss, just one touch

But I know it's a trap cause

One is never enough

But I fall into the trap anyway

The two of us imprisoned in sheets

Every time our souls meet

Potential turns into kinetic energy

And we battle each other

Cause we just have to compete

But I never win so

I've gotten used to defeat

And we argue like we can't stand each other

Two forces opposing

But she never stays mad for long cause

I am the one she's chosen

And sometimes I neglect her

Cause I don't want her to see

My jealousy...insecurity

Vulnerability

But somehow she sees it anyway

Even though I wear my defenses like clothes

She has X ray vision so

To her I'm aways exposed

And if I don't drop my guard

She'll tear that shit down

She said “Get used to being completely naked

Whenever I'm around”

She wants me to be a nudist so

Eventually I give in

We make love then make war then

Do it all over again

And her love is perfect

There's no reason for me to cheat

Cause no one does me like she does

Always leaving me with soaked sheets

Always leaving me satisfied

While simultaneously wanting more

And she willingly grants my wishes

Always having something new in store

Willing to try new positions

If that's what I ask her for

And regardless of my intentions

She never walks out that door

Sometimes I use her. And she knows it

But she still sticks around

Don't deserve her. So I serve her

And I worship her ground

And she damn sure ain't perfect

But she's just right for me

She's my first true love

And her name is Poetry.

What we've been reduced to

So this is what we've been reduced to.

No talking

No smiling

No fucking

No reconciling

I remember when we used to talk all the time
Your words my sustenance
The way you manipulated vowels and consonants made no sense
Your tongue wrapped around each letter and I would follow suit
I wrapped around you
And we talked.
For hours on end
The time that existed between conversations was irrelevant
All that mattered was your words
My words
Our words
Our world...
Came crashing down
And this is what we've been reduced to

No talking

No smiling

No fucking

No reconciling

I remember when we used to smile all the time
As constant as the rising and setting of the sun
Grins spread across our faces like jam on toast
Making life sweet
Your smile, illuminating, has a domino effect
Causing my mouth to follow suit and smile
But now teeth remain imprisoned behind cold lips
This is what we've been reduced to

No talking

No smiling

No fucking

No reconciling

I remember when we used to fuck all the time
Couldn't keep our hands.lips.mouths.bodies off each other
I mean to the point where our skin touched so much that our
complexions mixed and we became the same color
But bodies in heat are no longer intertwined between sheets It's like
the fire that used to provide warmth just burns now
And this is what we've been reduced to

No talking

No smiling

No fucking

No reconciling

I remember when we used to talk and make up
Smile and make up
Fuck up and make up
But now apologies are few and far between
Neither of us want to admit we're wrong
And neither of us want to admit that something ain't right so...

This is what we've been reduced to.

Investing

I am investing in my hair. I am investing in my body. I am investing in my relationship. I am investing in my future. *Hair- I went natural about 5 years ago. Although I no longer perm or dye my hair, having natural hair includes more than that to me now that I'm older. So now, not only is my hair chemical free, I also use 100% natural products on it (coconut oil, Shea butter, Aloe Vera gel, glycerine, essential oils, etc.) *Body- I realize that although I have not permed my hair in years, my transition from relaxed to natural is far from complete. It includes my body. I am no longer relaxed and nonchalant about the things I put into my body. All of me deserves all natural nourishment. If I am what I eat, then what I eat should be clean, healthy, natural, organic, unprocessed and full of nutrients. I want my exterior to be a reflection of my interior. *Relationship- I love my woman in a way that I have never loved another. It is beyond my comprehension. It is overwhelming. It is deeply spiritual; it is passionate; it is intellectual, emotional. And physical. She is a sound investment. And just like with stocks, she comes with risks because no one knows what's to come but God. But I am willing to show her that I have faith in her as well as us. I will invest with her and in her financially, as well as in every other way possible. I will compromise with her for the greater good of our relationship, which in turn will make us better individuals. *Future- I am in college to get one step closer to my goal of becoming a teacher, among other things. I am definitely taking advantage of opportunities that may be beneficial to me professionally, socially, mentally, and/or spiritually. I am not doing these things on my own. All I can do is follow God's plan for me. And I am. I stopped being stubborn and accepted what God had been guiding me to do. I asked for guidance and that is exactly what I got. Be careful what you wish for- cause God will damn sure provide it ;) The combination of these things is the ultimate investment. I'm trusting myself. I am investing in my overall well being.

impromptu poem for Meghan

I want you so bad I crave you And no quick fix will do I want to feel you coursing through my veins Cause your presence is as essential as oxygen in my bloodstream... (To be continued some other time)

i want you

I want your body intertwined with mine until Two heartbeats form one rhythm I want your eyes, ears, arms, mind, and heart all open; I want you unclothed, exposed and Vulnerable I want you unafraid, unashamed and unapologetic I want lips upon lips upon lips Toes curled, feet arched to match curved back I want you sighing& Moaning, speaking in tongues silently and audibly I want you leaving evidence of your fingerprints on sweat slick skin I want you coming. Repeatedly Us simultaneously sporadically until you spontaneously combust with me I want you fulfilled and yet always hungry for more I want you selfishly Greedily Selflessly Intellectually I want you wise enough to know that we have things to teach to and learn from one another I want you psychically Lines on my palms continued on your hands I want you telekinetically Thoughts from my head continued in your mind I want you craved and crazed Declared insane cause your obsessive compulsion is me I want you heavily medicated so drugged up on this love that you hallucinate and still see me I want you mathematically Algebraically You as my constant the only variable changing is time I want you geometrically The sine to my cosine The perpendicular to my parallel line so that the angle we create is right. I want you poetically Rhythmically stringing together Words just to explain the mundane and make it sound profound I want you in beats staccato, crescendo, fortissimo, in addition to lyrically so let's just just say I want you musically I want you infinitely This desire knows no bounds it is limitless and far too vast to be contained in me so I have no choice but to let it spill all over you I want you wet Soaked in this love and steeped in it like tea I want you with desire all encompassing with complexity and simplicity I want you unafraid, unashamed and unapologetic I want you naked as the day you were born, much more mature but just as fragile I want you unclothed,exposed and vulnerable Eyes, ears, arms, mind, and heart all open I want you all to myself I want you to want me all to yourself I want us submerged in we I want you infinitely This desire knows no bounds it is limitless and far too vast to be contained in me so I want you to understand and if you don't its all good shit I know you don't like math and this is a lot of words to add up so this poetic equation can be simplified down to three words: I want you.